Attending a football match is akin to losing your virginity: it’s incredibly nerve-wracking, you’re blind drunk and that breezy girl from the kebab shop probably has a turnstile on her bedroom door.
Yep, much like your pathetic love life, football performances often fail to live up to expectations, frequently leaving behind a trail of disappointment, regret and an unexplainable stinging sensation when you pee.
But a derby match is a different kettle of fish.
Although the beautiful game can be an unforgiving lover, its derbies throw up thrilling footballing orgies, allowing thousands of men and women to lose themselves in the unbridled ecstasy that only the pleasure of spanking your nearest neighbour can bring.
Fancy learning more about some of the most passionate derbies from around the UK? Course you do, you sexy punt …
LIVERPOOL V EVERTON
Head to a Merseyside derby – the longest running top-flight derby in England – and you’ll likely witness more badly timed tackles, bookings and pissed-up Cilla Black’s than any other. While these hotheaded Scousers should all probably calm down, calm down, there’s no denying this fixture is right up there with the most passionate anywhere in the UK.
RANGERS V CELTIC
Although Rangers were sent to the naughty step for their well-documented financial problems, the Old Firm derby remains one of the fiercest rivalries on the British Isles. It was first contested in 1888 – the same year Vincent Van Gogh chopped his ear off after hearing his beloved Rangers were sliced open in a 5-2 defeat – with the blue side of Glasgow boasting 159 victories to Celtic’s 144.
ARSENAL V TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
Despite the recent Norf London derby being a bit of a damp squib, you wouldn’t Adam and Eve how deep the rivalry between Arsenal and Spurs goes. Far from being brown bread, this game is still well worth a butcher’s hook – but if you can’t wrestle the custard and jelly from the cows and kisses, head to the battle cruiser for a well deserved pint.
ASTON VILLA V BIRMINGHAM CITY
As it stands, the most interesting things about Birmingham are Ocean Colour Scene and Pato Banton – and those aren’t very exciting at all. Of course, Brummies aren’t renowned for their glamour or excitable character, but they love their football. Although the teams haven’t met since January 2011, it’s always a furiously contested fixture, which would be a welcome addition to the EPL.
MANCHESTER CITY V MANCHESTER UNITED
First contested back in 1881, the Manchester derby has historically been dominated by the red half of the city, much to the chagrin of Liam Gallagher who famously attacked Bobby Charlton by viciously shouting “SUNSHEEEEEINEEEEE” in his face on the way out of Old Trafford. Recently, however, City have been on top, culminating in their 3-0 thrashing of United back in March.
Now it’s over to you …
Let us know what your favourite football derby is, at home or abroad, by dropping us a line via Facebook or Twitter – we’d love to hear from you.