GONE IN 38 SECONDS: WHY GERRARD’S TIME AT THE TOP IS UP

There are plenty of things that can be achieved in 38 seconds.

We can produce around 72 million red blood cells; we can listen to Her Majesty by The Beatles; we can run a 200m dash; we can make love to a beautiful woman (twice) …

… or if you’re Steven Gerrard, you can pick up a red card against your bitterest rivals just moments after coming on as a half-time substitute.

Ordered off for stamping on Ander Hererra, the 34-year-old Liverpool star made his way back to the dressing room quicker than a shifty Scouser darting off with your car stereo.

RUSH OF BLOOD TO THE HEAD

After the match, the former England skipper attempted to speak to the press about Martin Atkinson’s decision to send him for an early bath, but the Scouse-to-English translator – a bloke in a Fellaini wig and a stick-on Souness tash – was too pissed to convey Gerrard’s explanation.

Hackneyed Liverpudlian stereotypes aside, it’s clear The Reds captain’s rush of blood was notthe way he wanted to sign off in his last game against Manchester United, although the internet responded to his trampling transgression in typically brilliant fashion.

steven gerrard heat map

Steven Gerrard Heat Map

early bath for gerrard

Early Bath for Gerrard

After the sixth sending off his career, the midfielder is likely to miss the FA Cup quarter-final replay against Blackburn, as well as two of the remaining eight Premier League games, including Arsenal away and Newcastle at Anfield.

GERRARD’S OFF TO A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY

Clearly, even the greatest players are prone to moments of madness.

But Gerrard was meant to be Liverpool’s cavalry against United. He was meant to lead the charge and drag his team back into the game. He was meant to leave the field straddling Kenny Dalglish and flicking a middle finger to the away fans in the Anflield Road stand.

However, his 38-second cameo suggested Brendan Rodgers is flogging a dead horse.

While Gerrard’s not ready for the glue factory just yet (he’s looking to add to his 10 honours before jetting off to California) his period at the top is coming to a timely conclusion, as he gets set to swap football for soccer after signing for LA Galaxy.

It’s a sad day for fantasy football fans, as Liverpool’s number eight has been a mainstay of many successful squads over the years, but it’s the right time for Gerrard to hang up his armband and let Jordan Henderson lead the battle weary Red Army into another fight for EPL supremacy.

‘til next time …