THE REAL REASON ROONEY WOULD KNOCK OUT ANY EPL ATTACKER

Everyone knows Wayne Rooney is a warrior.

When he’s not busy banging in goals for club and country, the England captain can be found satisfying his bloodlust by stalking the streets of Manchester in search of misfiring former United stars.

According to witnesses, Rooney has previously snared Juan Sebastian Veron with a bear trap, maimed Massimo Taibi with a Nerf Gun and seriously injured Eric Djemba-Djemba with his caustic Liverpudlian wit.

We’re kidding, of course, but Croxeth-born Rooney has been involved in a “brawl” with a former teammate recently.

As reported in the Sun on Sunday, a video of the Man United star being “knocked out” by Phil Bardsley has been doing the rounds on social media – although Rooney was quick to stress that it was just two friends “messing about”.

In response to the tabloid’s front-page headline, the 19-goal striker celebrated his counter in a 3-0 home win over Tottenham on Sunday with a flurry of punches and a KO that made Lennox Lewis and Mike Tyson look like Woody Allen taking part in a knitting contest.

And it’s on the pitch where the 29-year-old continues to deliver his own knockout blows.

ADDING ROONEY TO YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL SQUAD

Quite simply, Wayne Rooney should be one of the first names on your team sheet.

Although the Old Trafford goal-grabber’s hair looks like two furious ferrets fighting on top of a bowling ball, his points to match ratio over the last few seasons has been nothing short of orgasmic for fantasy football aficionados.

The longer Rooney’s on the park, the more points he’s likely to get, as his all-round game – passing, defending, assists – is one of the best in the EPL. In addition, he’s very rarely hooked by his manager (substituted, not punched) so he’ll help you laugh all the way to the top of your fantasy league.

Kapow!

While his scoring form can occasionally be patchier than his barnet, not to mention van Gaal’s insistence on playing him in a deeper role, Rooney’s overall form means plenty of valuable points in the bank – and as our man Bruce Forsyth once said: “Points make prizes, you punt!”

‘til next time …